Two weeks ago, when we were at our church’s retreat, I finally began to grieve. It slapped me right in the face as I sat there Saturday night, listening to Olu Brown recount the story of him dealing with the loss of his Dad. There were many similarities in our stories, but it wouldn’t have mattered. I just sat so stiff grasping on to my emotions as if I let a tear drop, I would go plunging from the highest of cliffs. I made it through Olu’s message without coming completely unwound, but then we sang 10,000 Reasons. Or rather everyone else rejoiced in the singing of this wonderful song. I stood there, arms crossed, not singing a word, again trying not to ab-solute-ly lose it. The song ended and it was time to dismiss to our small groups, which I dreaded. I had been quite vocal at our meeting earlier and I knew I wouldn’t be able to talk, much less share anything at this meeting. Luckily, one of my close friends was in there and she came and sat with her arm around me during our discussion of transformation.
After our discussion concluded, all I really wanted to do was to go to bed. I wasn’t in the mood to visit or make small talk. However, before the retreat I was asked to make a slideshow of the all the pics from the weekend. I had to meet up with a few people to finalize some details and then went back to my room to work on the video. I was up till midnight.
Sunday I woke up hoping to be rejuvenated, but I woke up with the pit of my stomach just feeling sick. Now…2 weeks later and it hasn’t subsided. I’m in a dark state of sadness right now.
I’ve felt this whole time that I’ve handled the loss of my Dad way too easily. The littlest details make me think of him. I knew deep down I wouldn’t get off so easily with this whole grief thing. Pray that with time it the pain assuages.